Tuesday, May 31, 2022

Functioning with Depression

 This is what people thinks depression looks like: 

but in reality...

What living with depression really is like: 

People: Oh, I love your make up! Why did you start wearing make up? 

Me: Thanks, the eyeshadows hides the redness in my eyes and foundation covers up my puffy eyes from crying too much. 

People: You lost weight and you dress so well now! 

Me: Thanks, there is a crippling ball pit in my gut that kills my hunger and dressing up is the only way I can feel good about myself and prevent myself from crippling into the token hobo wardrobe. 

People: You're not depressed. You can't be. You are such as social butterfly, going out with your friends and all! How can you be depressed?

Me: Thanks. Going out with my friends is the only way to keep the negative thought from creeping in and to keep me from crying my eyes out for no reason in public. They don't know what I am going through and never will because I don't want to burden them with my mental instability. 

People: You seem to be doing well at work and so active on social media. 

Me: Thanks. I don't want to trouble my friends with my mental issues and posting on social media keeps up the pretense that everything is fine with me. 

Living with depression is being all right one day, feeling the twinge of sadness and anxiety creeping in, forcing it back and breaking down the next day. It's feeling a growing pit of sorrow that you can't explain and wondering if you're just ungrateful with your life. Depression is feeling the joy in your life melt away, hearing the negative voices in your head drown out the positive thoughts of affirmation. 

It's feeling as though your current state of loneliness is your own doing even though you have told yourself time and time again that you are fine with being alone. 

Depression is a smile, a laugh, an ache in the heart that doesn't go away. It's a weight on the shoulders, a fatigue in the bones that can't be explained. It's your emotions spiraling out of control and all you feel is numbness and tears streaming down your cheeks. It's wondering if your friends truly like you or they just tolerate you. It's wondering if your presence really makes a difference in this world and who will notice if you just vanished one day. It's believing that the physical pain is the only way to feel something, to embody your inner pain and wondering when will it stop and if letting go is just easier.

It's your body and mind turning against you from the inside out. The worst kind of feeling in the world is being your own enemy because...no one else can fight this battle for you. 

It's you versus you. 

Unless you reach out. Realise that you're not alone. Talk to the few friends that you trust wholy, that you know have your wellbeing at heart. Can't talk without breaking down into tears? Then text them. 

Seek professional help. Understand that none of this is your fault or your choice. You're not to blame but it's your responsibility to yourself to manage it however best you can. Mental illness is a lonely struggle, easily misinterpreted, easily missed and disregarded as drama. It's a road laced with blood, tears and betrayal. People will leave you, disappoint you. People will be none the wiser. People will try to help. Know that you're not alone and that it can be beaten. 

The power is in your hands. Because if you're still here, reading this, you're fighting and that makes you strong. 

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